


Always

by mcgarrygirl78



Series: Feels Like Heaven [18]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Drama, Episode: s17e18 Unholiest Alliance, F/M, Romance, post-episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-25
Updated: 2016-03-25
Packaged: 2018-05-28 22:09:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6347518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I just want this, Liv.  I want it as long and as strong and as much as you do.  I love you, and I don’t run when it gets hard.  That’s not what you do when you love someone as much as I love you.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Always

**Author's Note:**

> There is talk of sexual assault, child abuse and neglect, and alcoholism in this story. I've never been good with trigger warnings but I don’t want anyone to read this who might be adversely affected by those things. It’s not spoken about in graphic detail but Olivia tells her story.

“Are you alright?” Ed asked as he walked out of the bathroom. Liv was sitting on the bed, feet pulled under her and seemed to be deep in thought.

“Mmm hmm.” She answered absently, still somewhere deep in her head.

He was used to that look on her face lately and wanted to change it. They'd both been through the ringer recently, her more so than him. He worried about her but knew he couldn’t hover or play the savior role. Still, Olivia Benson had climbed out of too many holes to let anything take her down or out. One thing Ed noticed, and it surprised him, was that she had no support system. 

Elliot Stabler was gone, though he took much more than he gave over the years. Nick Amaro was in California trying to live life as a part-time dad. Donald Cragen had settled in Florida but that was far removed from where they were right now. Liv held everyone up and never let them fall. Who was in her corner doing the same for her?

“Are you sure?” he pressed just a bit but knew when to back off. “You want to talk about it?”

“No.” she shook her head.

“OK. Well, I…”

“Yes.” Liv looked at him and nodded.

“If you want to talk about it then I'm here to listen.” Ed sat down on the bed beside her.

“This was supposed to be a happy night.” Liv smiled some but it didn’t make it to her eyes.

“I've been exonerated and have my job back. You have your job back. We’re together, a fair amount of people know that now, and the apocalypse hasn’t begun. It’s definitely a happy night.”

“I was a bit surprised there wasn’t at least a blood moon.” She said.

“I'm holding out for locusts and horsemen myself but we’re all different. What's up?”

“I never told you this. I mean, there are plenty of things that we haven’t told each other yet but…my parents are alcoholics. Both of them. You're IAB, I'm sure you know some of the sordid tale of my conception.”

“I know you have a half-brother Liv, that’s it. He’s your father’s son. Anything else you would have to tell me.”

“Both of my parents drank too much; in the end that’s what killed them. My mother broke her neck falling down the stairs while drunk. My father committed suicide because the meds and alcohol could no longer keep his demons at bay.”

“What were they like as people?” Ed asked. “I mean as Liv’s mom and dad?”

“There's no such thing. I never knew my father. What little I learned of him was from my brother and a few people who were close to him. My parents were never married and didn’t date. I suspect, but cannot confirm, that they were acquaintances. 

“My father sexually assaulted my mother and that’s how she got pregnant with me. He assaulted at least 3 other women but was never arrested and barely questioned. Abortion was illegal and really dangerous at the time so she was stuck with me. Adoption was possible but she felt like she could provide me with a good life once she got her PhD and went into teaching.”

“Growing up was bad?” Ed asked. He took both of her hands in his.

“Growing up was hellish. My mother was a brilliant, lovely, and cultured woman. She was a tenured professor of English at Hudson University…she had a PhD from Columbia. She also never properly dealt with her trauma and was a functioning alcoholic. After a while it became too difficult to function. She was physically and emotionally abusive, neglectful for long stretches of time, and yet we were all the other had in the world. It was like being raised by your captor; a familial version of Stockholm syndrome.”

“Jesus.” Ed muttered it under his breath. He suspected it was bad but his mind didn’t go there. Now she was laying it out for him.

“Don’t feel sorry for me.” She said.

“Are you serious?” Ed kept his tone leveled. “You were abused, neglected, without a family to love and nurture you. My heart aches, Olivia. How have you made it so far without falling apart?”

“I fall apart all the time. Look at me, I've become the damn wine mom. I can't do to Noah what my mother did to me. He deserves better. I have wanted to be a mother with every bit of my heart and soul for almost 30 years. My mother was stuck with me…I chose my son.”

“Noah is going to have a fantastic life. You're an amazing mother and an amazing person. You're strong, kind, empathetic, beautiful, loving, and loyal. The dictionary is filled with words that just touch the surface of what I see in you. Noah loves you even more than that. I've noticed for quite a while that you're alone in the world. So many people count on you. Who do you count on?”

“Do you want to be my hero, Ed?” she asked.

“No.” he shook his head. “I want to be your lover, your partner, and your friend. I want to help carry your load when you're stressed or tired. I want to make you laugh until you snort and feel your body relax against mine in a hot bath. I want to be another positive male influence for your son. I just want this, Liv. I want it as long and as strong and as much as you do. I love you, and I don’t run when it gets hard. That’s not what you do when you love someone as much as I love you.”

“How dare you?”

“I know.” Ed smiled some. “I have a hell of a lot of nerve.”

“You do.” Liv nodded. “Exactly.”

“I can tell you one good thing that has come from this.”

“Oh this I have to hear.” She gave him a skeptical look.

“Mike Dodds. Despite my feelings about his father, he is a capable second whip. He never wavered in his belief in you and he never pushed you out of the loop. Now you know if you need time away from the job, whatever the reason, your squad is in very good hands. You don’t have to do it all…the kid can help.”

“You called him a kid.” Liv smirked.

“He's a kid to me. What is he, like 35?”

“I think he's over 35 but definitely not 40.”

“Like I said, a kid. A good kid, but still a kid.”

“He is nothing like his father. His tenacity is the main reason we have our jobs back tonight.”

“And that’s someone you need on your side. Young Dodds doesn’t have an agenda, he just wants to be a good cop. He picked one of the best to learn from.”

“Now you're just buttering me up.”

“Nope.” Ed playfully pinched her nose. “I love you, baby. I want you to have all the care and support you need to be the best mom, lieutenant, and Olivia Benson you can be. You know that self-medication isn't good but you also know sometimes you're feeling overwhelmed. The wine quiets it down some.”

“Something like that.” she admitted. For a moment she thought of her father, that man she'd never met and wondered just how much like him was she. Simon seemed to have a lot of William’s stupider habits. Olivia apparently had his sad ones.

“So you find an alternative…a permanent alternative.”

“If you're going to tell me I can never have another glass of wine…”

“You can, but not to feel numb or to fall asleep or take it with your medication. There's recreation and then there's recklessness. I don’t want you to be reckless. You’ve got a lot to lose. I don’t want to be the boss of you, nothing like that is my intention. So if I'm stepping over the line let me know. I just want to help.”

“OK.” Liv nodded. 

She knew what Ed meant and she felt the same way. Drinking had been the way Liv ended her days for too many years to count. And there was nothing wrong with a glass of wine or a tumbler of bourbon after most of the days she had. It would take the edge off enough to relax or to sleep. 

90% of the time she had complete control over it. But ever since William Lewis kidnapped her, her life had been out of her control. Every time Liv thought she was getting a grip on the chaos, something else would come and knock her backwards. She had become the tragic heroine of her own story and was thoroughly unimpressed with the character.

“Can we just be happy?” she asked, taking his face in her hands. What a handsome man he was and she loved him more than she ever thought she could put into words. This was a gift and she wanted to enjoy every minute of it. All the best gifts were the ones you never saw coming. “I want to be happy more than anything. I've had short bursts of it, I know how wonderful it can be. 

“I learned a long time ago that having a man in your life was not the key to happiness. I want a partner, someone who makes me want to be the best me. I want to be Noah’s mom and run a good squad. I don’t want constant nightmares and panic attacks, but I want to learn how to handle them better when they come. I don’t want to hide behind a bottle and stop living like my mother did long before her life was over. Sometimes I feel like I have such a long way to go and it’s not fair because I've come so far already. When can I stop to rest?”

“Now.” Ed pulled her into his arms. “No more running, Liv. Not to or away from anything if you don’t want to. Right here can be a good place and I know you know that. It’s going to take some work but neither one of us have ever been afraid of that.”

“And you got my back?” she held him a little tighter. It seemed unbelievable that a man so settled in his life would want a work in progress. It seemed so heartbreaking that after all this time that’s what she still was.

“I got your back, your front, your side, whatever you need. And let me say right now, on the record, that’s whether we’re romantically involved or not. You're someone very important to me, as Olivia Benson. All other descriptors are secondary to that.”

“OK.” She nodded. “I might cry now actually. I'm not going to sob, I don’t think, but I…” Liv’s voice cracked.

“It’s OK.” Ed rubbed her back. “I could probably stand a good cry myself.”

“If you do,” she pulled away from him. “I want to see it.”

“C'mere woman.” He pulled her close again. “I love you.”

“I love you too. Thank you so much, for everything.”

Ed didn’t need to be thanked but he knew where the sentiment came from. There was nothing that he wanted from Olivia but love and companionship. He didn’t need to be a leak in a damn that was close to bursting. Ed could be someone she leaned on but who didn’t need to swoop in and save the day. He would help carry her load and Liv would return the favor when he needed the help. 

Love could be an amazing, mutual beneficial thing. It wasn’t all flowers and love songs; some of the best couples had true hardships. Ed didn’t need a magical relationship. Being real was OK. He was there to help through the hard times because he knew, he knew with every fiber of his being, that the good times with Liv would be the best times. They loved each other and in over a year of a changing relationship and nine months into a romance there had been some large hurdles. Both were ready for a little calm…that would be nice.

“First day back tomorrow.” Liv wiped her tears as she sat back on the bed. She smoothed out the wrinkles she left in his tee shirt. “Should I get there before everyone or stroll into the party fashionably late?”

“You know, Noah’s been pretty good about the amount of stress and tension around here for the past couple of weeks. I say we take him out for a celebration breakfast. If you think that’s a good idea.”

“By noon tomorrow, Noah will adore you more than he already does. Is that your plan?”

“Absolutely. Noah adoration and waffles; it’s a work in progress.” Ed smiled. “Do you want to watch a little TV before bed? We can cuddle and decompress.”

Nothing had ever sounded so good to her. She nodded and Ed took the remote from the nightstand. Both of them were dressed for a cozy night after their little celebration at Hickey’s, which was quickly becoming their place. As she cuddled in his arms, Liv took the remote from Ed’s hand. She didn’t want to end up watching _SportsCenter_ ; that was not her idea of relaxing. She skipped through procedurals, reality TV, and investigation shows.

“Hey,” Ed pointed to the television. “Was that _Saboteur_?”

“I had it on for 30 seconds, I doubt it.”

“Turn it back, baby, let me see.”

Olivia turned the station back on, TCM. She watched this station a lot. She liked Alfred Hitchcock’s films but had never seen _Saboteur_. It was one of Ed’s favorites. As a kid he apparently thought that Norman Lloyd was the coolest bad guy ever.

“Would you like to watch?” Liv asked.

“Only if you want to. I think we’ve only missed about 20 minutes.”

“Why not? But no talking through it.”

“Is mumbling or gesticulating wildly allowed?” he asked.

“Sit still, you.” Liv laughed and put her leg over his. “Just relax.”

Ed nodded and inhaled. He exhaled slowly through his nose. Liv did the same and soon they were as relaxed as they could be. In the quiet, holding each other, watching a classic film…this was good. Tomorrow their lives were going to return to normal, whatever the hell that meant. 

Tonight she wasn’t going to think about it anymore. That was easier said than done but Liv was damn sure going to try. It felt so good being in Ed’s arms; that’s what she would focus on. Whispering that she loved him once more in his ear, Liv let go. Tonight was a happy night and for the next few hours she hoped to give it all the attention it deserved.

***


End file.
